These Are The Things I Thought About Last Week

I have been wanting to write about the guilt that comes with self-care for a while, but was struggling with how to initiate that, or how to word in a way that I felt comfortable with. Today, I finally feel ready.

In my real life I am a therapist, specifically for addictions. It is a job I fell into, and a job I grew passionate about. A job I often question, and hope I am capable of doing out of respect for the craft, and also out of respect for those in need. Sometimes, I feel I have grown accustomed to the large amounts of sadness, anger and pain I hear about daily; and often wonder if I have lost my ability to feel.

Then today, I learned of a patient death. This phone call I had with another individual will stay heavy with me for a long, long time. I also learned I am still capable, and still able to feel and to grieve. And to help.

Others, and myself.

Due to the amazing support in my life and the self-care routine I have created; I was able to go home to practice healthy emotional expression and request what I need in terms of self-care. So, tonight my self-care is crying as friend hugs me (being mindful that this best friend of mine and I only hug when we’ve had wine and now apparently when one of us is crying), cancelling a yoga practice because I cannot think of the words to say, and eating junk food on my couch with girlfriends.

But I can’t help but feel guilt. Guilt for leaving work early, guilt for cancelling what is now a regular weekly yoga class that I very much look forward to; and guilt for texting others about my own vulnerability and sadness. Which leads me to think of other times I feel guilty about self-care.

Cancelling plans because I don’t feel well, or just because I am feeling better off being home. Taking a bath instead of working out. Setting boundaries with those I love because I am not able to do what they require. Eating half a pizza instead of salad. These are all important, self-care oriented things that are so hard to do, especially as a social, healthy individual. But these actions are all imperative to my own sanity and my own physical health.

So, what helps that feeling of guilt, or even of shame, when trying to make good choices? For me, talking about it. Explaining my choices to those I feel I am letting down is helpful. But also, continuing with a regular self-care routine is helpful. Oftentimes, I need to literally write self-care on my schedule or planner to avoid overscheduling, or avoid some guilt in having to cancel plans. I have learned that if I plan at least one to two days per week to focus on my own self-care in some capacity, not so much of it will be required on the other days.

Bearing in mind that self-care is not always fun, elaborate things. For me it is also taking my medications each day, calling my family members regularly, and making sure I am caring for my cats as they deserve.

I am not the be all and end all for everything that is self-care. I know nothing of importance on the topic, however, I notice I feel better when I do what works for me, despite the guilt I feel on occasion. Maybe I am writing this to hold myself more accountable and to allow myself to let go of that guilt, or maybe I am writing this because I have nothing else to do while I wait for friends to get here. Who knows.

But whatever the reason is I want others to understand that guilt is normal, and that it is okay. What matters when it comes to that guilt is how it is managed, or how it is dealt with. Here’s a page from my book. My top 5 self-care activities;

1. Take a bath that literally feels like soaking in lava, with bath bombs and salts and bubbles and all the extravagance
2. Do yoga, walk, ride a bike; any sort of movement (not too much though or else I get cranky)
3. A wonderfully frothy, non-dairy (preferably lavender) latte
4. Meal prepping for each week. It is stupid, mundane and uneventful, but it is the most helpful thing I can do for myself
5. Wine with girlfriends. This is more therapeutic and more cathartic than anything else I can think of

This all being said. I am going to go order a pizza guilt free and look forward to next weekend’s birthday celebrations for a dear friend. And maybe fit in some yoga.