I didn’t post in January. Well, I did but it didn’t show up. I actually had two pieces written and there is a clear and obvious reason why the universe decided they should not be in the cyber world for all to see. Those two posts were written in haste, they were written for the sake of writing and they were not true to me; they were not who I am and what I wish to convey to the world.
So, happy February! Some would say this is the month of love and hearts and everything pink and red and chocolate and sappy movies and fancy dinners. Which is true, and such may be the case for many, many people; however, I am choosing to focus on loving myself. Of course I’ll honor my boyfriend and get him a cheesecake of some sort (surprise Mike), but I also need to show myself that same love and get myself my favorite desert as well.
Self-love is tricky, it always has been and often continues to be that thing I strive for in my own life. It is 2019 and I am 29 and my desire for self-love started when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. At 18 most kids are still trying to navigate themselves and navigate their own lives and life courses, much as I was. Then throw in a potential debilitating disease and be told you will not walk, and not have children. And, cue journey towards acceptance and self-love.
This journey was not easy while I was young. I was in college, I was learning to live with pain and with fatigue and with one eye functioning at 100% and the other, well, not so much. So I focused on material things and surface level interests. I got my nails done, I got my hair done regularly (it helped that I worked in a salon). I watched the popular things on TV, and I did well in school because I was supposed to. I had a boyfriend, because, well I was 18, 19 then 21 and thought that’s what would make me feel complete (fun fact, it didn’t). I went through this for a few years then I decided to move away from all of the things I was used to, and that I was comfortable with. I moved to Michigan for a year to live by myself and to go to school for something I was truly passionate about and interested in.
It was in this year that I learned the most about myself and about who I am and how to care for that person. I made friends, friends I truly enjoyed, a couple of which I still chat with often. But I was in a strange city, in a strange stated and alone. I was very much alone a lot of the time. For the first time in my life I was alone. And not just physically alone, but emotionally alone. I was bored and I was lonely and I was anxious because I now had to recognize my own thoughts and feelings and wants and goals. And it was sad, and it was scary and it was life changing.
At the end of that year, in August 2013, I felt the most confident that I had ever felt. I felt the healthiest emotionally and physically that I had ever felt and I felt happy, truly happy. And I thought I was involved with someone who could mirror that, and who could enhance that happiness. He did, I was not entirely wrong, at first.
I will not rehash and old relationship and I will not allow my mind to travel back there, but what I will say is that it was unhealthy, it was awful and it played a role in my being unable to love myself the way I, and everybody in the world, should be free to do. But in this chaos is where I found yoga, and where I discovered Reiki.
Yoga was something I had tried briefly, but for lack of a genuine understanding of the art, I never followed through and I was unable to take it seriously. One day I was at work, chatting with a lovely friend and another co-worker told us about her experience in a three week session learning the basics of yoga, and learning to allow herself to be free to care for the person she is. So this friend of mine and I decided (partly due to our co-dependency, which we have since worked on, and partly due to anxiety) to try this new thing together. So we signed up, we paid 25 dollars and we started our yoga practice. I started my self-love journey over again, and am grateful for each person that helped me along on that journey, and each person who showed me which way to turn and which path to take.
Yoga is something that, for me, is beneficially physically; it is a work out I can do on my bad MS days, it is a work out I can do without feeling insecure or questioning if it is worth it. MS is big and it is scary and it has told me I cannot exercise the way I would like, or the way others do. But through yoga, MS has told me I can do what I want, and I can rest, and I can love what my body is capable of.
Yoga is something that, for me, is emotionally beneficial; it allows me a place to feel and to heal. Yoga provides a safe space, whether in a studio, at home, or with friends, for me to recognize what I feel and to release it. I have had many good “yoga cries,” especially in most hip opening poses. When I teach I preach this (hopefully not in an obnoxious way). I have learned, through half pigeon and the dreaded frog pose, to love each emotion I experience and to appreciate it for what it is doing for me. I learned that without happy cries, and without sad cries, I would be unable to love myself.
Yoga is something that, for me, has opened up my third eye, it has taught me a spiritual practice and it has led me to self-love. I grew up Catholic and Methodist, I grew up with a belief in God and an appreciation for prayer. However, I did not connect with this and felt unable to be authentic in my religion. Yoga taught me about my higher power as a whole, yoga taught me to meditate, and yoga taught me to create my own spiritual rituals and routines (again, I thank my supportive boyfriend for smelling sage weekly, letting me slather him in oils and tripping over crystals that the cats believe to be new toys). In these practices and intentions I have learned peace, I have moved towards acceptance and I have gained in my journey of self-love.
Now, add in Reiki. My poor mother practiced Reiki and I ran as far away from that as I was able; not because I didn’t believe in it but because I was not ready. Now, in my life I feel I would be lost, or incomplete without this ancient practice. Rei means life force, and ki means energy, Reiki is life force energy channeling your body’s natural abilities to heal itself emotionally, physically and spiritually. Tell me that is not right up my alley? I learned to practice this technique in the spring of 2017 and utilize it almost daily on myself. It brings me out of anxiety attacks, it helps soothe me to sleep and it helps me rationalize most of my otherwise irrational thinking.
I began to share this ability with others, with friends at work, for a friend before her wedding, for new clients I have met along the way. In sharing this I realized it is my passion and my goal. It is my “side hustle” (oh that’s weird to say, even for me, but I will not edit it out) and I am truly enjoying this part of my journey to self-love.
So, while I have slipped away from my regular spiritual practices, and am planning to return to a more reliable yoga practice, I have still managed to practice self-love from the lessons learned since 2008. I still take baths, I still nuzzle my kittens, when they allow, and I still eat healthy.
I think my biggest lesson in January, and the reason I was unable to post anything, is that self-love does not go away. The things you have learned stay with you, and the routines you have created are not lost in the chaos of life. The things you have learned can be called upon as quickly as you’re willing to allow, and the routines can come back when you make the time, put in the effort and believe yourself deserving of this love, this powerful beautiful and chaotic self-love.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 