This Is What I Thought About

I’ve been doing 4-5 yoga classes a week for the last four, almost five, weeks now. It has been both good, and it has been a challenge. But, the other afternoon I had the hardest time I have had in a while.

I got to class ready to go, I set up my mat, slathered myself in oils and laid out my crystals. I then made my way into supta baddha konasana. My body crashed. I felt gravity pulling my knees towards the mat and opening up my hips, I felt my spine lengthen and flatten against the floor and my head grew heavy as I waited for the instructor to appear in the front of the room.

The teacher arrived, she greeted the class in standard form and sounded motivating enough, however, I felt as if my consciousness floated away and hovered about two feet above my tired limbs. My body was a 200 pound weight that I just could not find the strength to move. “Find down dog,” she said. And I obliged. Move through Sun As. I did. Sun Bs. And I pushed. Then, I took child’s pose as my body gave up.

I laid on my mat for most of the 75 minutes. I skipped vitality, equanimity and grounding. I attempted igniting, managing one locust; but my poor, tired muscles screamed and ached as if they were saying to me, “stop this, stop this right now! You absolutely cannot handle this.” I rested through opening and even release. And finally, I found my own relief in viparita karani and then savansana.

It is now Thursday, Friday eve, and I am wobbling as I walk to the Keurig to make my coffee. My arms and my legs are shaking as I bend down to pet my beloved cats. I have done too much, yet again. Whether out of fear, pure stubbornness, or ignorance, I am unsure. Either way, I have done too much.

So, I let this be a reminder to myself, to others, to listen. Really, really listen to what my body is saying and when it is truly speaking. Listen to when my brain says I owe these people compassion; well, where is my own self-compassion. Listen to my body when my legs say, “don’t walk on us, we are unsure we can hold you;” where is my strength to rest. Listen when my soul is unable to connect, or to focus; where then, is my concern. Listen. Just listen.

Listen, so that in the end I can continue to show up for others and for myself first. So that after a long day I can take a bath for pleasure, not as a coping skill. So that on a Friday I can feel prepared and ready for a weekend of choosing yoga, choosing coffee with my boyfriend and spending time choosing to rebuild connections. Listen. So that I can choose how to manage my disease and my challenges. So that I can feel sane and fulfilled despite what my body is telling me.

Skip forward a few days and today is the last day of the 5^th week of this 6 week commitment I made to myself and to yoga. After listening to my body the past two days, I feel better emotionally. I feel, not so better physically, but that comes with have a chronic disease. However, I do feel more motivated to listen to my body every single day moving forward, not just on days where it crashes. I feel more prepared to plan for each week and to plan more accordingly each week. I am more optimistic about what this last week of 40 days will bring me, and I plan to practice each balancing pose in hopes that it will return the balance to my life that I am so often searching for. A friend joked once that we often rest during the balance section of class because our lives lack that balance; from my perspective, she was not wrong. So, while I re-learn to listen, really listen to my own body I will continue to attend yoga and to rest when I need it, and I will balance in yoga and in life, when I need it.