When I turned 18 I thought, “finally, I am a grown up!” I thought it would be a wonderful experience full of adventure, trial and error and living my best life. That was 12 years ago to the day.
When I was 18 my mom and I sat in the doctor’s office wondering what thirty would look like for me. I was newly diagnosed with MS, I was so small and so scared.
Now, today, I turn 30. December 7, 2019 I am now thirty years old and very often all I can think is, “when will I feel like a grown up?”
But in reality, I am a grown up, a full-fledged adult. Yay me. I woke up at 7, I am sitting snuggled on my couch drinking my coffee (because now I am thirty I can’t function without it) and watching re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy, mixed with a little Disney Plus when the dramatics are too much to handle. I pay my bills, I feed myself and make sure I sleep. My mom asked my intentions for my next decade of life and the first thing that came to mind was to make sure I wash my face every night and every morning (right Kels?) and brush my teeth more often.
I woke up to a text (well many texts) sharing that I have what most people strive for; and that is knowing how to love myself, care for myself and listen to myself. Let me tell you, it took close to thirty years to learn these things. It took a diagnosis at eighteen to learn a lot of lessons, and it took the amazing support system I have to validate and enhance these things that I know.
Yes, my first decade was a typical ten years, I was raised by many strong inspiring people and I learned from every person and every place I encountered without realizing the impact it all had on me. Then my next decade showed me how far my strength could go. My teens brought to me the start of perceived adulthood, and the start of a new life as I knew it. But that seems fitting, no? At 18 individuals become of legal age, graduating high school, and moving into the real world in whatever way that comes for them and learning to grow and change as a person. I did all that, but also learned all of that with a disease. So my life, at this time, would have changed either way, mine just happened to change in ways 18 year-olds don’t often need to consider.
My 20s, despite being the most recent, are the most relevant. The most influential in creating the grown up that I am. My 20s with MS taught me what is important, taught me who matters and taught me what is worth my time. There were times that I thought, I have this disease I don’t deserve to do the things I want, or that I am not capable of living my dreams. However, as often as I had those thoughts, twice as often I reminded myself that I don’t need to live a miserable, unfulfilling life. I created a new story at 23 when I lived on my own in a new state. That story said I can do whatever I want, as long as I also rest when I want. I began to live a new narrative that allowed me to have pity parties, but only for one day at a time, and only if I picked myself back up and kept doing my homework, or kept going to work and kept paying my bills.
So, entering my next ten years I plan to continue to tell myself these stories, to remind myself I deserve to feel well, to do well, and to be well. I deserve to love so hard and so much, but to also accept all that love from others close to me, and on the edge of my life. In my thirties I plan to only make my life that much better, and to feel that much more proud of all that I can and will do every day; and that includes washing my face and brushing my teeth, hopefully. I will continue to practice listening to myself, caring for myself and loving myself.
Every year I would receive a joking phone call from my grandpa saying, “good morning, I am just reminding you that it is Pearl Harbor Day.” And today, I got a message from him starting with, “happy special birthday,” and ending with, “don’t forget that it’s Pearl Harbor Day.” My love for history, and my immense respect for the second world war will never let me forget that it is a day that will live in infamy. But, I will also choose today to honor me and to begin my next decade feeling loved and supported and strong.
I am still small and sometimes scared, but I will spend today, and quite possibly the next ten years, wondering when I will grow up.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 