I’m having a flare up. A flare up of new symptoms. A flare up of continuous discomfort from existing symptoms. A flare up of symptoms that lasts more than a couple hours.
I often feel daily discomfort and residual symptoms. But for me, a flare up is an increase in that discomfort, lasting more than a few minutes to a few hours. Discomfort, often times pain or inability to perform certain basic bodily functions. Discomfort that does not get better with rest, in fact it interrupts restful sleep which prolongs the discomfort.
Heat can be triggering for MS.
Now, I love this home I have created with my dear Michael; however, it has no air conditioning. So I’ve been surrounded by ongoing heat and humidity which regularly is bearable. Prolonged exposure to this heat, though, is apparently crippling with this disease. Prolonged exposure to a home that is 85 plus degrees, multiple days in a row is crippling to this disease.
Last night I felt new symptoms creeping in which sent me into an unmanageable panic attack. What was going through my head? A lot.
The things I was thinking about were: will I be able to walk tomorrow, will I be able to hold items, will I be able to see, will I be able to sit upright, will I breathe with ease, will I be able to feed myself
All of these are things that have been impacted in the past by my illness.
So, after a tumultuous sleep I woke up and this is what I felt…
I can see, yay, but my dizziness is so bad that my vision is blurred. I can breathe, Yipee, but my intercostal muscles are so weak that it hurts to inhale. I can walk, ok good, but slowly and unsteadily, my legs are dragging with exhaustion. And yes, I can hold things, but I feel burning and prickling throughout my shoulders and arms.
I think that it is good I still can function and I can do my work, thank goodness I’m working from home today. I think that I am glad to be able to prepare a smoothie and heat up rice, Michael is already aware we’ll need to order dinner tonight. I think in the immediate, it could be so much worse.
Then my intrusive thoughts make their appearance. I feel guilty for whatever stress I may cause Michael. And guilt that I cannot be fully present or capable in helping with any household things at the moment. I feel sadness that at (almost) 32 years old he has had to choose this life (though I thank the universe daily for giving me the opportunity to choose him).
Then my thoughts expand. I have to back out of a planned work out, though I know it’s best, I feel sad and I feel angry that this disease does often control decisions I make. I have commitments and celebrations and plans for the weekend (at socially acceptable distances while masked) that I may have to cancel, and I worry others will feel saddened by my physical lack of support. I worry. Period.
And, as I reach out to friends and to family to share this information, I think about the fact that this will never go away for me. And I work, and I pull and I reach to find what little shreds of acceptance I can. However small, I look for promise. Because, on bad days it is hard to find.
So, I took a moment this morning and went outside, and sat in the shade. I watched the dog leap around the yard with pride throwing his head back to bark, and I stuck my feet in the very cold water in his pool. In that moment I found the day’s acceptance. In that moment I was able to admit and think that this is no fun, this is actually a flare up., not just a bad day.
But
Flare ups happen, bad days are okay. I will be intuitive and nurture myself and start over again tomorrow.
Oh, and I start therapy again on Tuesday.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 