These Are The Things I Think About Fourteen Years Later

Fourteen years ago I was diagnosed with MS. 

June 19, 2008 it was my last week of classes as a senior in high school; I was heading out the door to meet some friends and my mom stops me and says, “by the way, the doctor called and confirmed it is multiple sclerosis.” And I carried on with my day. And with my life. 

Now, obviously there was eventually a bigger conversation and many more doctors appointments; but this moment in the scheme of my diagnosis was pretty anti-climactic. There had been two and a half years of build up. 18 months of feeling awful, having tests and waiting for an eventual answer. Comparatively two and a half years is not a long time when it comes to an MS diagnosis so some would say I am lucky. Some would also say I’m lucky because I was so young when diagnosed that I had so long to treat it and navigate it. 

The younger version of me only saw it as that much longer to get worse. And I did. Then I didn’t. 

The first was the easiest year because, finally I had the answers I was waiting for. My second year of officially having ms was the hardest. I was adjusting to college and adulthood and a chronic illness. But now, 14 years later I’ve adjusted to a whole lot more. 

The path my illness has taken has has its up’s and downs, as anybody’s does. I would say, though, overall to reflect on my illness is to recognize what it has given me. I say this nostalgically, and happily; that does not mean it hasn’t caused struggle, and it does not mean there aren’t regular tears, panic and fears. It does, however, mean I can recognize and appreciate the role all of that has had, and continues to hold, in creating the life I work towards daily. 

I’ve learned a lot about my disease and a lot about myself. I now know when I can and cannot push it. I know now when to speak up about my symptoms (though Michael is still the only one I’ll tell). And I know now when to speak up about anything in my life (and I mean this in a general sense and to anyone). I also know when to rest, how to rest and where to rest (often covered in a blanket on any available couch). I now know some true examples of strength and that it is ok to own and celebrate my own power in that. 

I know I have a lot of experiences most people don’t have, medically or otherwise, and for that I am grateful. Especially if it means I can hold another persons hand as they face a challenge, a struggle, or a fear. And hopefully I can help them to also recognize the strength and power that comes with life, chronic illness or not.