Though my appointments are not as often, or as regular as they used to be, it always seems they come in multiples. This is day three with a third consecutive appointment; all for different, yet related things.
The appointment anxiety for even just a check up is overwhelming. It’s an unconscious buildup that finally releases in the moments of waiting.
Waiting for the right time to leave as not to be too early. Waiting in the lobby for my name to be called. Waiting for the doctor to come in, to assess, to plan. Waiting for the bill. Waiting for the follow up report – though just an assessment – the waiting is all encompassing and often unmanageable.
Each time I believe I’ve navigated, managed and mastered the art of being a chronic illness patient. Each time I notice my breath catching, my chest tightening and my temper shortening. Each time I shut down, I cry and I treat myself to a fancy coffee at the end. (I am not sure I can still consider fancy coffees treats when I get them almost daily)
All the chaos and effort put into appointments, including scheduling, planning, waiting, feels so anticlimactic at the end. Luckily, most of my appointments show best case scenario, or as I said, just checking on stability. However, due to continued expectations, I have created a false narrative in my mind that requires me to prove, validate and confirm my need for appointments and specialists and added care.
But, if asked I would explain that the appointment anxiety never goes away. The reminders of medical trauma and concern lingers, especially with continued check ups and assessments that are often held in the same places with the same people. My brain does not always get a chance to rest, recharge and reset. But with fancy coffee and as much routine as possible I can ease my racing thoughts (minus the caffeine buzz) and calm my already compromised nervous system.
Until the next cluster of appointments to come.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 