A Chronic Pregnancy

I’ve not been a mother for too long, a short two months, though the desire was there for quite some time. I felt my world change and the mothering kick in though on July 15, 2022 when I saw that positive test. 

I recognize the challenge that is pregnancy and the chaos that is the newborn stage. I, however, added another layer. Chronic and invisible illnesses. Multiple sclerosis. Post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). Depression. Anxiety. And a host of other smaller, less diagnosable things. 

A little background regarding my treatments prior to and during pregnancy:

When I got pregnant I stopped my MS medication. While it was safe to be in, I needed a break. It was an injection three times per week that caused me so much pain and honestly a lot of stress. Stress I just did not want to go through while carrying my precious cargo. I communicated with my neurologist and my OB and we all agreed it was safe and made sense. I had been on meds since my diagnosis and was stable enough in my disease that we all felt comfortable coming up with a plan for me to resume meds immediately following birth. I was at peace with this. 

As far as PoTS went, I managed it myself with diet, listening to my body and some movements. I had been to countless specialists that never officially diagnosed me- my most recent doctor telling me “we’ll call it dysautonomia, which would be saying you have a car, where as pots is a Toyota.” A previous doctor sharing, “you’re young thin and athletic you can’t have pots.” So, like I said I figured out how to feel good enough on my own. 

Depression and anxiety have been a part of me since middle school. I have been in and off meds but have such awful side effects to each that they were never worth the minimal relief that would come. I’m fact, early on I got into multiple car accidents while on one, and my pupils dilated so much I was unable to see, while on another.  So, again I manage my symptoms and have engaged in therapy on and off throughout the years. 

Anyway, I digress…

So, early pregnancy was a dream, an awful sickness filled dream. I had most of the typical symptoms that come along with the first trimester-and each of those symptoms were welcome because they were less intrusive and more manageable than my regular day to day. Plus, there was a reason. 

I was thrilled to be feeling sick, to be utterly exhausted and to be plain downright miserable. I was thrilled because there was a reason, there was a desired outcome and I was closer to achieving one of my goals. I was happy to be unwell for the first time since 2008. 

Early on I also found out I had gallstones and began feeling pain from that, which luckily went away relatively quickly. My ribs began to flare as well, along with some tailbone and sciatica pain. Again, those were managed quickly with the help of my physical therapist and my continued stretching. 

As I said, all of this discomfort was welcome when compared to my daily pre pregnancy misery. 

And then the anxiety crept in. Not an anxiety that I had ever had before. It was an anxiety rooted in previous loss. An anxiety so visceral because it was based in a true situation, based in previous loss. An anxiety inconsolable. 

Each scheduled doctor appointment lessened my anxiety, and each ultrasound increased my joy and my connection to this developing baby bean inside. 

And then I hit trimester two and three. 

I began fainting. I fainted so frequently that at work my coworker began calling it “fainting Friday.” I often felt faint but was always able to catch myself or feel it coming on; this, however, was different. With my second and third fainting spell during pregnancy I went to the hospital for tests and it was determined I was severely anemic. I began an iron supplement which did nothing but lower my iron levels. I was then sent to a hematologist. We determined my iron levels were so low due to my MS. It was acting up in a way that my body was unable to create more blood in my body. I then received an iron infusion. 

Remember how I said I get side effects to meds? I did to the infusion as well and had a minimal allergic reaction. But, it was caught and treated and I started to finally as if I could exist. 

In January my right hand began going numb and tingling. I mentioned this to my OB who said that was normal and it was probably carpal tunnel. They recommended a brace to wear at night. I tried it, it did nothing. I mentioned it to my neurologist and we determined it was likely an ms flare up, despite that being uncommon. I continued to remind myself of the extent to which i have had flare ups in the past and this was relatively minor. 

This flare did trigger concerns for after delivery, but I was so exhausted, so achy and so overwhelmed with my impending motherhood that I couldn’t spend my mental energy focusing on that. 

Speaking of exhaustion. My illness induced insomnia only increased during pregnancy. I did not sleep well, or for a full night since July. I cried most nights, technically mornings, about how exhausted I was, how uncomfortable I was and how insane the dreams were that I was having when I did sleep. 

I slept better in the hospital after a c-section. 

I say all of this to say, my illnesses impacted 

my pregnancy. And my early postpartum (another blog to come on that). And I can only imagine the continued impact they will have on me, on my child’s upbringing and on my future. 

I am curious to navigate relationships, physical and mental health and my own goals in this new uncharted territory. And doing all of this with my chronic, invisible illnesses. 

Fears aside, I am looking forward to learning and growing even more through my disease and through my chronic mothering.