It is 5 am…

It is 5 am and my baby is finally sleeping longer stretches at night. However, I am wide awake now.

I hear the sweet bird songs and the start of morning traffic outside my window as I wait not so patiently for him to wake up. My body hasn’t adjusted to these later wake ups and I cannot fall back to sleep due to the discomfort of waiting to feed. Do I pump? That seems silly, since he likely will wake within the hour.

I love these sleepy, dark moments in the early morning and am glad they’re feeling more peaceful. I’m grateful for more contented wake windows with my little guy and glad to finally start playing and experiencing some quiet in this chaotic home.

The newborn stage is hard, it rocks your world and creates a visceral response – it puts you in a constant state of survival.

I, so far, feel it has been a challenge in having built connection with my tiny man. I’ve been head over heels in love with him since moment one, however, I felt we did not get to share in the joyful parts of the newborn stage. He was struggling to exist in this scary world; and I was having a hard time supporting his larger than life needs.

We’ve since learned, made adjustments and were able to collaborate as mother and baby do.

I captured so much of the cute, snuggly, sleepy moments on camera. And I also stored photos of the crying, the screaming, the sleepy smiles of mom and dad. Though hard, I want to always remember our first experiences together. I want to share with him what it was like and how we worked together to learn and make it through.

I want to tell him about this moment. Now.

Me at 5 am, leaking through my shirt. This moment with me looking through all the pictures I took of him yesterday. Right now, listening to his sleep snorts and grumbles. Now, where I am laying awake impatiently waiting for him to wake up so we can listen to the birds together and see the first light of the day, ready find new things to explore together as mommy and baby.