A lesson during illness, and now motherhood

A lesson I worked for years and years and years to learn in my chronic illness was this:

Rest when i need it, listen to my body and choose what makes sense in each moment. Essentially, conserve my spoons.

A lesson I need to learn in motherhood: Rest when i need it, listen to my body and choose what makes sense in each moment.

The same lesson in a different way. I was chronically tired and I am chronically tired. Exhausted even. So, there poses a challenge during new motherhood.

I was diagnosed with MS almost fifteen years ago and fatigue was, and remains, one of my bigger, most debilitating symptoms. It took me until I was about 27 ish to finally accept that, listen to it and honor it within my body. And it’s taken me two ish months to realize I need to adjust that mindset as a mama.

I used to use my yoga practice as a perfect example of listening and resting when needed along with working and movement when needed. I would exist and go to yoga as often as possible, even when that meant child’s pose for 70 minutes, and savasana for ten. I would work and socialize and purely exist in ways that made sense and reflected where my body and my mind was at in each moment. And that was a skill I had honed in on, and a skill I took pride in.

Now, I lack that skill once more. I feel embarrassed that I have not been, now and during my pregnancy, living in that way. And as I lay here during my son’s nap time, I realize that I have not been living in a way that shows my body and mind the respect I once did.

I have no answers for myself or for others, when it comes to making the necessary changes to return to that way of existing. And I believe that is because my son is only ten weeks old and order, routine and planning are completely out the window for the time being. Though I do truly think the issue cannot be corrected without having that awareness be present.

So, here then is part one of my lesson: just notice what feels uncomfortable and what needs modification. I know it will not always feel this way, and I know I have a layered experience when factoring in my illnesses and ailments. But that doesn’t mean I can’t start considering how to feel better now, and each moment following.

My discomfort now lies in allowing myself to take rest time and to do all of the things only when I feel fully capable and moderately present enough.

I will try to start accepting where I am, advocating for what I need and proving to myself I am and will be ok even if I don’t feel it moment to moment.

(Now, let’s see if I keep this mindset between now and next mental break down)