In talking with mamas, many, if not all, have said how glad they were to get their bodies back. Whether it be following delivery, after breast feeding or when they finally slept again.
Whatever the case may be, it has been the same sentiment about wanting to feel themselves again, or wanting control in some aspect of their bodily autonomy. Or, even wanting to exist in what feels familiar.
Honestly, that is not the case for me at all. While I am beginning to feel myself again; my pregnant and healing body was the most in control and predictable I’ve felt since I was sixteen years old. The moment I started to feel the chaos and discomfort of pregnancy was a moment I felt relief. Not just the emotional relief of finally reaching a goal, but a physical relief that feels hard to comprehend myself, let alone to put words to.
In my day to day, at baseline, I am uncomfortable and unwell.
While pregnant, I also felt uncomfortable and unwell, but with purpose. Those nine months, and the four (so far) following, were a time of the most medically appropriate and cooperative my body has been. Each symptom had a reason and every hard day was moving towards a desirable outcome. And though this sentence, and sentiment as a whole feels very scientific, I can attest to it being the most emotionally freeing experience I have had in a long time.
Do not get me wrong my pregnancy did not come without stress, anxiety and a lot of depressive moments (my husband can back me up here). However, all of those things, including sleepless nights, pain, nausea, anemia, etc. felt manageable with an end in sight. Even healing from a major invasive surgery felt so minimal compared to my indefinite MS filled day to day. The key word being indefinite.
How else can I describe this?
I don’t want my body back. I don’t want to return to my constant fight, my constant tug-o-war between health and disease. A true variation and reminder of my own of dis-ease.
But I’ll do it, I will always do it. And now even more so. Now, I will always show up. I will drag myself across the hall at 2 am knowing I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I will trek the stairs for the 700th time knowing this one might hurt. And I will eat my 6th peppermint in two hours knowing it will only subside the nausea while I rock back and forth and up and down for another half hour. I will always do it for that smile.
I will always do it because that is who I am. I can be isolated, bored and angry and not feel well. Or, I can live through some of my goals and things I enjoy while not feeling well.
All that being said…
No, I absolutely do not want my body back. Yes, I am curious what this body will do now as a mother.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 