Chronic Fears and New Memories

Having a chronic illness as a mama is a new kind of concern.

Each sleepless night brings about a fear of what will happen next. What symptom will pop up? What new flare will ensue? What struggle will I face today?

On the 80th trip up and down the stairs( or the 900th bounce and the one millionth time picking him up out of the jumper) I think to myself – how will this exertion impact my already achy legs or my numb upper back.

Oh and then to have to also parent. And parent well; because my son did not sign up for this. He did not willingly put himself on the path of challenge because his mama has some medical stuff.

So far, I have noticed the phenomenon that in the exact moment I see his smile or hold his little body, my own body snaps into gear and can handle anything. Then, once he is safe in bed for the night my own body loses control and crashes. Every symptom I’ve been fighting and every thought I’ve been hiding comes to the forefront.

And so does the fear.

I worry that the five hours of sleep I get a night are nowhere near enough to heal and mend these things. Those limited, often restless moments are minimal compared to what is needed for chronic illness.

And that fear that my symptoms won’t heal, or won’t quiet down never turns off.

Leading to a vicious, vicious cycle. One consisting solely on the reposition of lack of sleep, stress, chaos.

So, how do I wrap this thought up in a pretty bow and end it? I don’t think I can. I don’t think there’s a resolution to the pervasive fears of motherhood. There are distractions, and moment to moment coping. I am learning that to chronically mother is to chronically accept.

While motherhood with chronic illness brings new concerns, new stressors and new fear-it also brings new levels of acceptance, presence and hope.

While I live in the drama and insanity of illness, I actively work towards and choose (as often as possible) to also live in the beauty and motivation of each new moment; smile from this sweet boy, and each new learned skill in the hopes to hang on to those memories forever, even when the fear feels all encompassing and the sleepless nights are truly never ending.