Take the wins when you can

Yesterday I said to my sister in law something about taking the wins where you can.

And so I will. I’ll take the MS wins because while there are awful, awful, horrible and scary things about this disease, I can find the wins.

Recently, I had the most notable flare up I have had in ten years. I needed steroids, I needed support. I lost vision to an extent and I had a hard time walking. Awful, awful, horrible and scary. Yes.

But there, in those weeks I was reminded of why I created the structure and the routine (as much as possible) for how I live my life. The way I eat, the attempts at movement, the protection of my sleep needs and my goal of peace; and everything that comes along with all of that. All of those things help me stay flare up free. My routine helps me to see, literally, to see the world in front of me, and to see my son’s tiny face.

So, with this reminder I tried to slow down, I took inventory and saw where I was failing myself. Granted, the last four months in my life have been insanity and chaos, most of which was out of my control; but, I did not listen to my body, did not slow down, and did not hold a care for my own wellbeing, unintentionally. So, I hit reset.

Resetting is hard when freezer meals, chaos and anger feel so much easier, so much more accessible. However, resetting is so necessary for my sanity, for my physical health and for my family’s wellbeing as well.

With this reset I was dreading my follow up with the opthaneurologist. I did not want another appointment reminding me I have an awful, awful, horrible, scary disease. I did not want to interfere with my schedule, I did not want to drive there and I certainly did not want to wait for ever to be seen, let alone have multiple exhausting tests. But I did. I did it.

And I’m glad I did.

My vision returned to my baseline (a blind spot covering 25% of the vision in my right eye). My color vision is not where it was, but I will take that any day if it means I can see again.

What a win.

To learn and to see (heh) that I, that my body, was able to heal itself because I paused, listened and reset. I also took disgusting meds and did what the doctor said despite really, really struggling to do so.

What a win.

To drive home in tears, because I got good news instead of pulling over sobbing because my body is failing.

What a win.

To go home, to look at my one year old and to see his face. To see all of his face in one glance.

What a win.

To walk up the stairs without wincing, to get on the bike without holding my legs, to get out of my chair without having to think twice.

All wins.

With this awful, awful, horrible, scary disease I am going to take every single win and hold on to them for dear life.

Because it is my dear life.