These Are The Things I’ve Thought About Lately

An update on previous thoughts:

Recently I have had multiple people share with me how “strong” I am, or how hard I am working and the pride I should feel for living in such a way that I continue to push, and to fight, and to try, and to work, and to exist with Multiple Sclerosis, and other chronic illness or conditions, some of which I am in the process of being tested for.

I argued these sentiments with loving kindness (spoken like a true therapist).

I don’t necessary feel proud of all of these reasons, because I don’t have a choice but to live with myself, diseases and all. I don’t have a choice but to wake up, put on my shoes and go to work no matter how heavy my legs feel, how blurry my vision is, or how numb my torso is. I don’t have a choice but to attend brunches and dinners with friends and family, or to play a game with my kids, or to watch a few minutes of a show with my husband, even though he likes staying up late and I much prefer Netflix in bed at 9 (who am I kidding, I prefer bedtime at 8). I don’t feel I have a choice in going for a walk, or running to the store, even when I am so nauseas even the slightest movement is treacherous. I have never seen MS as a choice. I have never seen my own body as something to be proud of.

For me, I did not have the luxury of choosing which chronic illness(es) I have, or choosing which medication would make life more manageable for me. I did not have a choice in how this disease took away my eye sight or my confidence in living my daily life. So again, for me, I did not have a choice in continuing to do the things that allow me some sense of sanity and some semblance of normalcy. I don’t have a choice but to go to work when I am dizzy, because I don’t want to depend on another person solely to support me, to house me, and to feed me (though I would not argue someone making all of my meals). I don’t have a choice to turn down social events, because without them I would feel isolated, sad and lost. I don’t have a choice but to stay up late on occasion for my kids or my husband because they did not ask for me to be sick; I can risk a slow moving day following a night of stomping like a dinosaur, or hearing about Magic the Gathering. I don’t have a choice but to attend yoga, or to ride a bike, or to walk when it’s nice out, because if I don’t I fear I won’t be able to do those things again.

So, when the kind, caring, supportive people in my life tell me I should be proud, I smile and I am grateful. I smile and know I should be proud, but that if I get caught up in that pride, I slip. I get complacent and I allow myself to wallow in self-pity, dread and loneliness.

Yes, I can and will acknowledge the hard work that comes with life, and on top of that the hard work that comes with life with chronic illness. But, I will not be proud of living with MS. I will be proud of who I am despite MS.