Tag: mental health

I Don’t Want My Body Back As A Mother

In talking with mamas, many, if not all, have said how glad they were to get their bodies back. Whether it be following delivery, after breast feeding or when they finally slept again.

Whatever the case may be, it has been the same sentiment about wanting to feel themselves again, or wanting control in some aspect of their bodily autonomy. Or, even wanting to exist in what feels familiar.

Honestly, that is not the case for me at all. While I am beginning to feel myself again; my pregnant and healing body was the most in control and predictable I’ve felt since I was sixteen years old. The moment I started to feel the chaos and discomfort of pregnancy was a moment I felt relief. Not just the emotional relief of finally reaching a goal, but a physical relief that feels hard to comprehend myself, let alone to put words to.

In my day to day, at baseline, I am uncomfortable and unwell.

While pregnant, I also felt uncomfortable and unwell, but with purpose. Those nine months, and the four (so far) following, were a time of the most medically appropriate and cooperative my body has been. Each symptom had a reason and every hard day was moving towards a desirable outcome. And though this sentence, and sentiment as a whole feels very scientific, I can attest to it being the most emotionally freeing experience I have had in a long time.

Do not get me wrong my pregnancy did not come without stress, anxiety and a lot of depressive moments (my husband can back me up here). However, all of those things, including sleepless nights, pain, nausea, anemia, etc. felt manageable with an end in sight. Even healing from a major invasive surgery felt so minimal compared to my indefinite MS filled day to day. The key word being indefinite.

How else can I describe this?

I don’t want my body back. I don’t want to return to my constant fight, my constant tug-o-war between health and disease. A true variation and reminder of my own of dis-ease.

But I’ll do it, I will always do it. And now even more so. Now, I will always show up. I will drag myself across the hall at 2 am knowing I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I will trek the stairs for the 700th time knowing this one might hurt. And I will eat my 6th peppermint in two hours knowing it will only subside the nausea while I rock back and forth and up and down for another half hour. I will always do it for that smile.

I will always do it because that is who I am. I can be isolated, bored and angry and not feel well. Or, I can live through some of my goals and things I enjoy while not feeling well.

All that being said…

No, I absolutely do not want my body back. Yes, I am curious what this body will do now as a mother.

I Got Another Tattoo, and These Are The Things I Thought About

I got a tattoo today.

I got a big tattoo today to cover up a much smaller, 10 year old tattoo that I was less than proud of. Getting this tattoo required stillness. A stillness I was not pleased to participate in. believe me, I wiggled and whined a bit and fought this need to be calm. But, in the end, hours later, I was thrilled with this work of art, the meaning behind it and the fact that I could be proud again. This tattoo will continue to require stillness as I listen to my body and observe the healing process; granted, it will also be a physical and visible healing process.

I got a tattoo today and it knocked me flat on my ass. Due to my illness, I often fall flat on my ass as far as physical health symptoms are concerns, however, this pain and the aftershock that accompanied it was completely of my own accord. I willingly signed up for, scheduled and agreed to this discomfort, this stillness.

And while I lie still, I recognize I have not allowed myself to do so for a long, very long time. In fact, I actively avoid stillness of any kind. So, what am I truly avoiding? (that is probably not something that will be answered in one blog)

Weeks ago, to be honest, more like months ago, I noticed my mental health had been slipping. I had been noticing a slow, also at times rapid, decline in my outlook, attitude and my actions and thoughts towards myself and others. I would blame the chaos that is my life, or the  disconnection I was feeling with friends and family, or even false resentments I was holding on to for dear life. But those things, those imaginary stories, were not the perpetrators of my downward spiral; I was not the victim. I was to blame. (along with some other factors such as insane hormones, chronic illness and various miscellaneous things I cannot even begin to identify.)

However, I realize I was only perpetuating the cycle by blaming, by distracting and by continuing to fill my schedule with things lacking meaning. I was becoming a victim of my own avoidance.

This tattoo, though the meaning is special, the physical act of getting it forced me to decline two visits with dear family members. This tattoo, as wanted as it was, caused me to sit on my couch and listen. This tattoo, as gorgeous as it is has reminded me of a valuable concept; be still, be present, and be there for myself. In having to make the decision to rest, I felt an incredible amount of guilt for not seeing my cousin and not having met his girlfriend yet. I texted a friend about it and she said, “gotta put your needs and health first!” And she is right, she is more than right and I needed a visible reminder of that. I think I needed that reminder for my day to day life, not just in this moment following a tattoo.

I have been having a hard time coming up with a topic for my blog the last couple of weeks. I have a lot of saved documents and notes in my phone consisting of run on sentences, half-finished thoughts and very poor grammar, but today, in getting this reminder I felt more motivated. It’s kind of ironic that something I was planning for so long served as motivation for something I was struggling with for so long.

Flash forward to tomorrow. It is now Sunday and I am feeling a sense of motivation I have not felt in a while. I woke up early and started my day by cooking brunch for a dear old friend. I felt good, I feel good. Cooking is inspiring to me, I planned meals for the week, I planned chores for the day and I made sure to schedule in time for myself, for stillness. I realize that the disconnection I feel has more to do with a disconnection from myself than it does a disconnection from others. I fit people in, I manage to have time to see friends and to see family. Though I cannot see all the people I love as often as I would like, I see them often enough to still be aware of the ins and outs of their days. A good friend bought a house, two are on vacation, two others still are spending time with newborns and another is learning who she is and taking time to do so. And many still reaching milestones and living their own best lives. I am proud of all of them all I am honored to know each of them, and that is just it; I do know them. I do connect regularly, so I have no reason to feel disconnected other than I am not sure of who it is they know.

I am unable to connect with them fully until I connect with myself. As I have probably shared a thousand times in my blog, routine will return that connection. A physical and a spiritual routine to better my health and overall well-being. My mother joined a CSA and I probably did not express my gratitude well enough to her for getting the family share so I can benefit as well. I am glad to start cooking better and having an excuse to see her. I was frivolous and got an apple watch, and I am glad to be held accountable and to see progress in working towards my goals. I am enjoying the benefits of stillness and am excited to return to the place of peace I know I can achieve if I just take that time for me, and take that time to spend with Michael without rushing, without planning and without distractions. I am excited that this tattoo, in more ways than one has and will continue to remind me to face the sun and grow towards the light.