What is self-care in the time of a pandemic? What even are coping skills anymore? (I say as I drink a week day glass of wine.) These are the things I have been thinking about lately.
Up through February I planned activities and routines and structured my days, and my life around certain things that I considered “self-care.” For example, a weekly bubble bath, an extra glass of wine, waking up early to take a yoga class, even the occasional retail therapy trip; all of these things would be ways to manage stress, or curb the constant anxiety I am prone to.
But today reminded me, or I suppose validated me. today I spent some time thinking, more time than usual, and I had an “aha” moment. I went about my morning as usual and carried on with work, but I was sad. Today, for whatever reason (I have stopped trying to figure out the algorithm that is my emotional stability, or lack thereof) I was sad, very, very sad and the first thing I thought to do was to go to Target. So, I did. My work day ended and I put on my shoes, since there is not much separation between professional and personal life when I work from home, and I got in the car. I put on some Lady Gaga, quite loudly, and drove the short distance to the store. It wasn’t a completely useless trip, I had a couple specifics I needed, but I wandered for a while. I wandered aimlessly, up and down the aisles, putting quite a few things in my cart; and taking quite a few things out. I looked at fall décor, and bathroom décor, and bedding, and lots of kitchen items, and smelled many candles; I even looked at groceries and snacks. I ended up settling on a mat for cat litter since Binx is quite messy, a new front door mat and some fall décor (owning a home is fun, and expensive).
Anyway, that’s is fun for me, browsing, wandering, spending; it is all reasonably cathartic, usually. But, not today. Today my coping skill didn’t work. I got back in the car and did not feel any rush of endorphins. I did not feel happy despite liking the things I purchased. And, I wanted more. Not more in a materialistic sense, but more in a coping sense.
So, I went home, arranged my new things and planned dinner. Cooking! Yes, that will help.
Nope. Wine? Only momentarily. Ok, ok, I’ll take a bath then.
But at what point do I stop and actually feel, and deal? Currently life is a daily game of do we feel today, or do we deal today? Coping skills, are no longer ways to cope. Coping skills have become the norm, have become a baseline requirement for functioning.
How do I manage, now? How do we manage, now? I absolutely do not have an answer for that. For the time being I will keep running with lovely people (we’re up to about 2.5 miles), I will resume teaching yoga on my terms, and I will write. I will write and write, and write.
Happy pandemic life to all, I wish you all the best, and all the health and all the coping.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 