Come into rag doll here. Bringing your feet wide, bending at the hips, opposite hands reach for opposite elbows. And rest, letting your head hang, gravity gently tugging at your neck. Slowly nod your head yes and release tension.
Breathe.
What is it like to sit in the shit? What is it like to feel that tension release and to feel all of your feelings without distraction, and without judgement? What is it like to not try to ch age the feelings?
These are the things I think about when life is hard, with and without a chronic illness. These are the things I think about when life happens and I am stuck in the suckiness of it, but also stuck in the MS because of it.
The other night I was whining to Michael over a weekday glass of wine, just expressing my frustrating in feeling so stuck despite working so hard to do all the “right” things. To continue doing the things I know will help, and do help regardless of how quickly I see the results.
Without knowing this, I had a dear dear friend say to me the following morning, “I feel like you’re stuck in an unfair spot, and also a pandemic.” And those were some of the most validating words I had heard in a while, and she was right, things do feel unfair; not only for me but for most everybody I spend time with and I talk to.
So, without boring you with the details and specifics, I will say that life has been throwing me some curve balls lately and the extra, out of my control stressors, have been piling up. Along with these things, comes into play my own mental health issues ( I plan to create a post about anxiety and depression in the future). My depression is at an all time low, that of which I feel I have not experienced since high school. And my anxiety feels pretty unmanageable to the point where I do have a hard time veering even slightly from my quarantine routine.
So, couple all of that with MS. Which causes which?! Is my stress made worse by my MS or is my MS exacerbated by the stress? The simple answer is both.
That being said, how do I navigate the suck that is 2020? How do I distinguish what it is that is causing that suck to suck so much? How do I manage being stuck in the suck?
I am still figuring that out. I am still working hard and challenging myself daily to find new ways to cope, or revisiting old habits that have aided me in the past.
Other than to sit in that suck, I suggest noticing it; what sucks? Why does it suck? And what does that bring up for you. No judgment. No shame. And name that suck for yourself.
Name that emotion (if you need help I have a great diagram!).
And know, please, please, please know you are not alone in the suck. Not one bit, not right now.
Sorry, I went on a therapy tangent there. Anyways, the things I continue to think about during this version of my life is how to work to continue on this track of feeling well, doing well and just being well.
For starters, I plan to absolutely keep working on running (right Michael, Ryan and Rosie? Those Friday glasses of wine make it worth it). I will keep teaching yoga as much, and as passionately as possible (now booking private classes if you’re interested). I will practice my own yoga independently (really enjoying that rag doll). And, I will continue to meal prep and work on some new fall recipes (thank god Michael is no longer allergic to butternut squash…I don’t think…). I will work to cultivate, build and cherish so many, many family and friend relationships. One thing I will say about this pandemic is that it has reminded me and showed me what and who is important and how to show and prioritize that importance. I have re-evaluated meaningfulness when it comes to social situations; and while wine is often the center of gatherings, so is conversation, and good conversation. Games are becoming a renewed pastime and stress reliever, as I have dig into the crevices of my memory and found my Mario skills, or lack thereof.
I will continue to take time to sit in stillness, or even just sit in presence and focus my attention on one single thing at a time, what a concept, huh?
Slowly, carefully bring your hands back to the mat in front of your face. Bringing your feet back to hips distance apart, rounding through your spine come up to stand. Reach up, look up. Inhale through your nose, sighing it out your mouth. Bring your hands to heart center and open your eyes.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 