If I am lucky I stay asleep until my alarm goes off. If not, I’m either woken up by a dog whine, a cat hiss, baseline discomfort or general anxiety. Such is life at the Till family zoo, or life with chronic illness, life during a pandemic, or adulthood period.
Sounds somewhat chaotic, no?
Yes. Yes it is. Anyway, I will share some of my regular AM thoughts as I prep for each day.
Pending my cause for consciousness, my first thought is usually while I lay in bed in the dark for just a moment. At this time, I will take inventory of my body and my overall mood for the day. Do I feel well? Hopefully. Is it a challenge to sit up due to sore, fatigued muscles? Usually. What is that first deep inhale like? On occasion it feels heavy, hard and strenuous due to the tight intercostal muscles (the MS hug is nowhere near as comforting as the name would lead you to believe). Next, as I swing my sleepy legs over the side of the bed and feel around the floor with my feet for my slippers, I usually think, “ugh I should have drank more water last night.” This is often promoted by the blacking out and dizziness that accompanies any movement into a vertical position (this I can attribute to a chronically low blood pressure, but not quite low enough to cause concern apparently).
As I carry on through the morning, moving through my regular routine I think about what my day will feel like. I’ve had MS now for 12.5 years officially and have gotten pretty good at understanding what each feeling or sensation will mean for the remainder of that particular day. So, where most people plan their daily activities, meals, schedules, etc. I typically plan for modifications to all of those things in order to achieve optimal function, or to avoid baseline dysfunction. I begin to run though the priorities in my mind; feed self-what can I grab quick, or what’s already made, bathe self-hopefully I prepped and showered the night before, clothing-the comfiest, most reliable outfit options are readily available (thank god leggings can be office casual on occasion). Continuing to thoughts of any variation of self care I can achieve for that day-usually in the form of medication compliance, maybe washing my face and most definitely always a warm cup of coffee (wine at night if I’m lucky).
Now, my thoughts move to everyone and everything else. Are the pets fed? Is dinner thought out and/or is it something Michael can handle if I’m really not up to it? What would it be like to ask him for help but then step away and let go of control (haven’t mastered that one yet, TBD). How long is my work day today, are there chances to catch my breath at all during it? Is today a running day, if it is I should have extra coffee. Do I need a Ritalin? Oh maybe I’ll finally remember to take my electrolytes…probably not. Should I go to the vending machine, no, christina do not waste money when you have perfectly good snacks at home. And my all time favorite daily debate, if I just order lunch out today I can promise myself I won’t do it again until next pay period.
This stream of consciousness is usually followed by Thoughts of hope that all of my friends are okay today, I hope for them to have something good happen at some point and they smile at least once. And I think about each individual and what’s going on with them and follow those thoughts up with as many well wishing texts as I can get in before my day slips away from me (sorry if you’re my friend and you don’t get daily texts).
And by the time 8 AM rolls around I am exhausted, emotionally and physically because I don’t know what it’s like to turn my brain off-hence the wine some nights. At this point though I have prepped, catastrophized, planned and accommodated enough to last a week, fully knowing I will go through that cycle all over again the next morning.
These Are The Things I Have To Think About 